What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 12:43
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was seconnd youngest,
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why cant I motivate myself to go to school (grade 10)?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was 9 years of age.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So whats the point in blame.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Put me off passion for life!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I couldn’t, believe it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
What did i know ?
Do you think the constitution and laws should be taught in school?
Would this be the day?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was in good health!
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One cannot live in the past .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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I could never make a relationship work though!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I have no regrets .
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And i lived it daily.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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We all went to grammer schools
He knew the spot.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Who then, do I blame.?
What are some cute stories with your crush?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She loved him until the end.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Comes on , in middle age.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I waited trembling.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I will be 64.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I don,t even have a pension.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She married twice! .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My life is so biszare .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
(And it was in our own minds.)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was very sick at this time too.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But, we were locked up after school.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It was going to be , some day.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im still living with it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Especially a lifetime of it.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She wouldn,t have been !
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
All the time i was locked up.
But it wasn’t much.
Ive learnt so much.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was scared of men, in general
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why did i forgive my father ?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He resisted the act ,that day.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My family never makes their pension either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I write beautiful poetry .
So, i spoilt her more .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
This is soul school!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I think the readers, may guess!
We were not on the streets..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I said to her
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She found it foreign!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.